I’m on an airplane and I’m thinking about cars in space.
This is probably a good time to mention that there are serious spoilers ahead for the least serious movie franchise in existence, so if you haven’t seen “Fast 9” (???) yet, you’ve been warned and also what are you doing with your life.
As an educated, intelligent and cooler-than-most 30-year old, I know I shouldn’t like these movies.
Because they don’t make sense (no, really, they completely ignore any laws of reality and science and sweating and definitely gravity). Because the acting is mediocre at best, and a Cardi B cameo at worst. Because feminism. Because I don’t even like driving.
But, listen.
I fucking love these movies.
The Fast & Furious Cinematic Universe is literally my second favorite cinematic universe.
I know it doesn’t make sense from someone who orders a lot of Glossier and likes a lot of prestige shit and whose “if you could meet anyone dead or alive” is probably Damon Lindelof or who counts “The Great Gatsby” as one of her top three. But I just… I could just talk about the Fasts (as they are affectionately called by the “actors” who star in them and by me after (1) green tea shot) ALL DAMN DAY, FAM.
I think a big reason is this: I fuckiiiiinnnggggg love movies, books, TV, pop culture set in our world but different — like, from the spectrum of “there are superheroes and we all know about it and okay cool,” to “there are aliens and only some of us know about it but okay cool,” to “there are vampires that need slayed after class,” to “there are cars controlled by magnets let’s all just chill.”
I think a lot of this is technically the “urban fantasy” lane but “fantasy” takes me to Hobbiton, which is not what I meant. I meant literal downtown Tokyo and its apparent impossibly smooth driftability, BITCH.
And don’t get me wrong, I have mad mad mad respect for writers who can create entire worlds out of their heads. Some writers are like, “Hogwarts” and some are like, “superhero boarding school but just, like, in regular Chicago (will I get sued by X-Men?).” Some writers are like, “entire dystopian realities where teens kill each other for fun and bare necessities” and some writers are like, “’Brooklyn 99,’ but also ‘Supernatural.’” Some writers are like, “literal centuries of families fighting each other in a made-up world for a made-up throne with terrible adaptation potential if we give this to two douchebags” and some writers still can’t stop thinking about a bit from “Arrested Development” where they are riffing off “spy” and Buster says “‘Alias’ is a SHOW about a SPY.”
Anyway.
I know, I know. Movies about cars. We have been there. As I am writing this, I am remembering that Owen Wilson, supporting star of “Loki,” also voiced a humanoid car. And to its credit, you really can’t stop looking at cars after “Cars” and not think about where their eyes or mouths would be. And you also are already hearing that godforsaken Rascal Flatts song in your head, I am so sorry.*
More memorable car movie moments: the Batmobile, like in general; Regina George’s ride in “Mean Girls”; “Mad Max Fury Road”; “Drive”; a Stephen King movie I haven’t seen; “Ford vs Ferrari,” beloved by parents everywhere; a David Hasselhoff movie I haven’t seen; a “Need for Speed” movie that I think Aaron Paul made to escape the threat of a generational curse being put on him and his kin; and… “Transformers.”
The FFCU is a lot of things. It is filled with “actors” of varying skill sets. It is filled with booty shots, especially the early ones. It is filled with cars but they are just CARS. It is not “Transformers.”
“Transformers” is like … robots from space who disguise themselves as cars, which is a terrible way to use space. Whereas using space as yet another place you could put Ludaris and Tyrese Gibson in a bit is a better use of space. “Z3” was a better use of space, and there weren’t even cars. (?) “Space Force,” which no one except my husband and I watched, was a better use of space.
The idea that the robot cars from space are the villains … look. I don’t know. LAME.**
The robots from space are duh the villains and also Michael Bay is the villain and we were all the villain for how we treated Megan Fox, as a society.
That’s all I’ll say about “Transformers” because I already wrote a review about one of them ONE time.
I forgot the car movie that is maybe the most like the obviously superior car movie franchise:
“The Italian Job.”
It has been a long time since I have seen “The Italian Job” and an even longer time since I have ridden the Mini Cooper ride at Kings Island, so I had to look up the cast list real quick, but I remember the gist.
And the gist is “team ups + heist = entertainment” and you KNOW I am already about to reference when Paul Rudd says “time heist” in “Avengers: Endgame” as an explanation as to why this is the type of shit I live for.
Anyway.
The vibe of “The Italian Job” is more in line with where the FFCU Phase 2 (after “Fast Good 4 U” jk it’s just… “Fast & Furious,” I know, we’ll get to the naming thing later) goes.
There’s also some overlap by way of Charlize Theron and Jason Statham, who I forgot was in this??? Does the man rest?????
Plus, I would bet real dollars that Mark Wahlberg, at some point in his life, has been offered a role in this coveted mega media empire. Because if you squint your eyes or don’t know much about ex-pro wrestlers turned “actors” versus ex-hip hop artists (?) turned “actors” then he could have totally filled the John Cena role.***
In “The Italian Job,” a mostly okay but good if you like team-ups and heists film, Seth Green plays the Ludacris role (computer genius, often described in ways, like, one character telling another character that Ludacris is a computer genius) so that seems like a win for the home team.**** But also… what is Edward Norton doing these days? Does he need to be the next villain because we keep anti-heroing our Fast villains and giving them spin-offs?
JUST HIRE ME, I KNOW YOU NEED MORE WOMEN.
Other than the FFCU basically being the best of the car movies category on Netflix (not sure if this is a thing, not sure if this shouldn’t not be a thing) it is also just… a really expansive amazing body of work.
By which I mean, nothing matters and no one dies and it took nine movies but we’re giving the ladies something to do.
If you ever want to hear the detailed, deranged plots of each movie, just buy me a drink sometime and/or literally bring it up around me at any point, lol—but start your engines (sorry), because the time for a listicle is NOW.
In the ampersand-less beginning of “The Fast and the Furious” Dominic Torretto (Vin Diesel) is an illegal street racer with a hot sister named Mia.***** Paul Walker plays an undercover cop (!!!) and obviously notices that Mia is a hot bitch. There is a lot of actual racing, just on streets with essentially suped up cars. It is unbelievable but also, I don’t know, not completely unrealistic? They become indifferent toward each other in the end and Paul Walker presumably bangs the only female character in the film other than Michelle Rodriguez, who is extremely second fiddle here. (She literally was like “fuck this” and told them they had (1) season of this show called “Lost” to get their shit together with their female characters, so later they bring her back but she’s brainwashed and… getting ahead of myself. Anyway.)
Vin Diesel didn’t want to do a sequel (!!!!! We have a Nexus event!!!!! Can you imagine this dark branch of the sacred timeline!!!!! We’d be in Samoa forever!!!!! Getting ahead of myself again) so they hired Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris for “2 Fast 2 Furious”, the best titled film of all time. Eva Mendes is the hot bitch in this one, and we’re going to be working on female representation for a while. Nothing too crazy happens here. We’re still very much just dealing with Bad Cops on the streets, but the soundtrack slaps!
Then, we took a vacation to Tokyo, and like any good Fast scholar I don’t want to talk about it, except to note that LATER—like, FOUR MOVIES LATER—it was decided that in Fast lore, this shit was actually THE FUTURE. I would say it would make sense later, but then I remembered what this listicle was about.
“Fast & Furious” is a tonal shift, and not just because we have hired new resident hot bitch Gal Gadot. We get in the drug lord biz here, which is obviously a gateway drug to “spy stuff.” There is hijacking of tankers, Paul Walker quits the police and Letty is back, but then “murdered.” It’s almost like you can feel the crazy coming.
And then…
“Fast Five,” the definitive best of the series, don’t @ me. This movie is !!!!!!!!. Just that. Exclamation points in a row.
We are easing into “spy stuff” even more with new agencies like DSS—which is Dwayne Security Services, or wait U.S. Diplomatic Security Services—represented by Dwayne the Rock Johnson with sidekick/hot bitch CHRIS HEMSWORTH’S WIFE.
There is a lot of “stop driving away so fast from the government” here, because all of Vin Diesel’s sneaky street racing (?) has caught up to him, and also he recruited all his friends for a HEIST. This kickstarts the “team-up” phase of the FFCU. We are bringing in new players, exactly like in “Avengers: Age of Ultron” but with 1000% more vehicles.
I also have a lot of love for “Fast & Furious 6,” during which this franchise has gone totally off the rails into “working for (?) or kind of in harmony with (?) the government (?) to stop world domination of some sort” land. Friends, we are NOT IN THE STREETS ANYMORE except for when we are there doing very dramatic, blow up-y stuff with big cars and tiny cars and Dwayne the Rock Johnson again. This brings back Letty after (1) season of “Lost”, but she’s brainwashed and Vin Diesel is conflicted because now he’s got a new hot bitch, Chris Hemsworth’s wife. It also brings in evil British mercenaries, yes, really.
Another of my absolute favorite things about these movies is that suddenly everything is just spy shit? It’s like they got tired trying to explain the different government agencies and which ones are good and bad and what actually any of them are doing chasing Vin Diesel or Paul Walker or the guy who would eventually play Gaston in a live-action remake of “Beauty & the Beast” ???
So now it’s, like, anyone vaguely dressed up in military gear or glowering slightly or who has a British accent is a spy, or maybe we’re all spies in our spy cars and sometimes the government gives us spy-ish equipment to try and stop a spy type from taking over the world with a spy-like device. I just… Amazing.
ANYWAY. This movie is pure team-ups and also goodbye to Gal Gadot because she signed her “Wonder Woman” contract.
In a POST-CREDITS SCENE it is revealed that the boring-ass detour we took to Tokyo was OUT OF TIMELINE and iNCREDIBLY IMPORTANT and forces everyone to go watch “Tokyo Drift” again. Cruel genius.******
The FFCU has exactly one core value and that is “family,” so in “Furious 7” we meet the British mercenary’s evil-er brother Jason Statham as he comes to enact his revenge on Vin Diesel & Friends. Unfortunately, while 5 + 6 were “WTF is happening” fun, 7 + 8 don’t do it right, and it just becomes “WTF is happening.”
Literally, this movie has stealth helicopters, drones, an evil computer-y thing called God’s Eye, and Kurt Russell as an actual spy who recruits the Rev-engers (is that something?) to … stop Jason Statham? Because he knows they were involved with his brother? We’re vague here—it’s “spy stuff.”
But also we have hired a new hot bitch, and it’s Messandei from “Game of Thrones,” who is another computer genius, a fact we know because other people say she is and she pushes lots of buttons on a computer.
On the saddest note, this is also the one where Paul Walker died IRL, and it puts a damper on everything. They spent so much money on stealth helicopters in a movie spun-off from illegal street racing that they couldn’t put two pennies together to splurge on some decent CGI magic for him and his brothers.
It’s a bummer, in all seriousness.
“Fate of the Furious” has an absolutely enormous ego and an even bigger budget, so they hired the hottest bitch to rule them all, Charlize Theron. The FFCU really loves diabolical technology-related plots, so we’re dealing with some more Mean Computers. Speaking of mean, Vin Diesel and The Rock started hating each other, and refused to film any scenes together for this movie, and now that I have pointed it out, you can TOTALLY TELL. They are trying to out man each other the entire time when really we should unite and be angry about Charlize’s haircuts.
Even though it’s part of my second favorite cinematic universe, I am not above saying this movie is not good. It had too much of everything and too little of something important, an enormous gaping hole where Paul Walker should be.
That said, you cannot skip this movie because on this blog we are PURISTS, but you can not like it.
Speaking of PURISTS, we have to talk for a sec about “Hobbs & Shaw,” the first and probably not last of its kind, a spin-off mostly made because The Rock won’t work with Vin Diesel anymore. It’s fine! I was underwhelmed, but found it sufficiently amusing after (1) overpriced glass of theater wine because our favorite local place wouldn’t play it. There’s an MI6 agent played by hot bitch Vanessa Kirby (#spystuff), an evil virus (#yikes) and lots of cars linking together on mountains (#science) in Samoa (#family).
You know, it’s… fine.
And then we all blacked out for a year and “Fast 9″******* didn’t get to premiere until 2021!!!
But, dear readers, it was WORTH. THE. WAIT.
The writers basically used the pandemic break as another excuse to reinforce the idea that the people who love these movies don’t care what the fuck is going on, so in “Fast 9,” a brother Dom has LITERALLY NEVER MENTIONED BEFORE shows up, played by John Cena.
And Dom’s life partner Letty—fully recovered from her brainwashing and playing mom to his kid because the kid’s real mom, Chris Hemsworth’s wife, died, did I mention that?—is like, “Oh, so weird to see your brother, Jakob” even though Dom’s established sibling Mia once said “As my only brother…” to him about something else, him self-sacrificing or some shit.
IT IS WILD.
And WILDER STILL is that Mia—who comes back after being too pregnant and momish to help for two movies—wears pale pink nail polish, a high pony and hoop earrings during this WHOLE MOVIE. I don’t know why, but that is so much cooler to me than the part where she hits a ninja (?) with a frying pan (because it’s 2021 and one of the Fs in FFCU stands for FEMALE).
AND THE WILDEST PART is that Vin Diesel and Mia both leave their undetermined number of kids with their babysitter, a still-alive-in-this-universe Paul Walker.
WhATTTTT. Some of us are doing spy shit and some of us are rebooting “Cheaper by the Dozen” I guess!!!!!
This is the FFCU at its absolute best, you guys, and I feel bad for The Rock but it is what it is.
“Fast 9,” quickly my second favorite movie in my second favorite cinematic universe, also features gems such as: more Charlize, but cameo-sized; another terrorist technology thing; Messandei back as hot bitch turned ally; the whole team back together including Han, who definitely died in “Tokyo Drift” which was the future so his funeral is in “Furious 7” but SIKE he was just recruited to do spy stuff for Kurt Russell this whole time; John Cena actually saying “spy stuff is my scene” or something; and driving a Mustang over a mine field in the jungle.
Oh also there is space.
And that is the FFCU, ladies and gentlemen, where the other F stands for FUCK YES.
I am not on a plane anymore, but I am still thinking about a scene in “Fast 9” where John Cena (in a tight black tee, because he is the Bad brother) gets all up in Vin Diesel’s (in a tight white tee, because he is the Good brother) face and yells something like, “You think you know everything because you’re the FAVORITE????? You don’t know SHIT” and I don’t know why ((1) Jell-O shot) but in that exact moment (plus (1.5) Mountain Dew + tequila cocktails) it was the funniest thing I had ever heard in my entire life.
And that is the best thing about the FFCU, really. It is so beyond trying to make sense of its nonsense and it completely, shamelessly, knows that two or seven very muscular adult to middle aged men yelling at each other about feelings — before chasing each other again in suspiciously well-equipped vehicles on the ground or in the air or in space or back to their lady sidekicks — is what the people want.
And that’s… it.
I can’t make this shit up. I can’t make this shit up and it is so fun to try and explain (?) it to people and I just… listen, I just love it so much. This whole blog is reading like NONSENSE and I haven’t even had a tequila + Sprite yet.
I know some people might think the FFCU is not “smart.” But, okay, it takes something like smarts to make it so gleefully, glaringly ridiculous AND also able to hit the exact perfect popcorn movie tone of Vin Diesel jumping across rooftops in work boots and then a poignant family cookout scene with an empty chair for still-alive-in-this-universe Paul Walker. One of those things made me tear up, I’ll let you guess which one.
Because, listen.
The FFCU, at the core of its people-in-cars-doing-impossible-things lore, is about your chosen family—and that cancels out some of the dumb, if nothing else.
Also, if you just turn your brain off, and you do like three shots — it is the best thing (nine things) you will ever watch.
*Guys, remember… Larry the Cable Guy? The fuck was that?
**To clarify, this is not a dig on Transformers-as-toys, coming from a kid who had her Pink Power Ranger date Leonardo the Ninja Turtle for most of the late ’90s, okay, I have respect for the toys-as-franchise game. (Also are you surprised by either of those choices, heh.)
***To clarify, this is not a dig on John Cena, who gave an adorably sincere interview about how he has felt like he hasn’t been able to break out into “acting” and so he felt so “honored” to be joining the Fast “legacy.” These people literally talk about this shit like it is our species’ greatest creation and if you have ever seen “Fast 9” while drinking a tequila cocktail created solely to complement “Fast 9″— it is.
****To clarify, this is not entirely a dig on Seth Green, because anyone involved with another cinematic masterpiece—”Josie and the Pussycats”—is clearly untouchable.
*****Obviously my youngest is named after royalty (Princess Mia), but this didn’t hurt.
******It’s important to note one pivotal link to the best Fasts, and that’s that the best Fasts are the ones that Justin Lin directs. He basically ignores anything anyone else established—kind of like JJ Abrams did with “The Rise of Skywalker,” but in a good way—and continues telling the story he wants to tell, which is one of blowing up stuff and vague spy agendas and comedic relief from Ludacris and Tyrese Gibson.
*******I know. We have to talk about the naming conventions. As a copywriter whose entire career is built around creating themes and branding things so that they MAKE FUCKING SENSE AS A WHOLE.. it hurts. Why didn’t we do “F8 of the Furious.” Why in 7, are we just furious? We’re still very fast in that movie! Who was in the room when “put 2s in front of Fast and Furious” happened?????? I don’t know, guys. Maybe it’s got a deeper meaning. Maybe it is supposed to represent the unhinged chaos that is the FFCU. But also maybe they should hire a copywriter to help with their branding. Do we know any?
hi, i’m holly. 