in my (millennial) feelings

At 30 (yikes), I am a Millennial.

That means I grew up when “computer labs” weren’t a thing until fifth grade, and “online journalism” was still taught like a novelty in 2009.* That means I grew up trying not to kill my Tamagotchi, and murdering my Sims on purpose in pools without ladders while taking turns with my sister playing on our parents’ 1998 PC. That means I lived through the flared jeans resurgence thing the first time, so no thank you, and I wore jelly sandals until my feet bled. That means I went to see “She’s The Man” with my girlfriends and my completely platonic and notably oblivious guy friends in high school, and I binge-watched up to three episodes of TV at a time because that’s all of the episodes of “House” that would fit on (1) Netflix disc (sent by carrier pigeon). That means I was sitting in Mr. Mackey’s fifth grade social studies class one September morning when the science teacher came into his room crying and told us to turn the TVs on, and then later they encouraged us to “be brave” for the first and second and third and fourth graders. That means that when I voted for the first time, I voted for Obama. That means “Peace up, A-Town down” could be heard at my homecoming dances, my wedding reception and my funeral.

I am a Millennial and that means I’ve seen some shit.

And lately, what I’ve seen is Gen Z coming for our vibes. Listen—this is not a post to dig at Gen Z. Because by doing that, my fellow Millennials and Gen X, we are no better than the Boomers and their “snowflake” bullshit. I wholeheartedly believe that Gen Z, and the kiddos even younger than them, are going to change the world with their empathy and awareness and ability to speak to robots by age 2, so I for one plan to be there beside them, in skinny jeans. (More on that later.)

I find it amusing that they are coming for our pants and our parts and our caffeine addictions. I’m the oldest of three sisters, so I know a playful jab when I see one, and all of your “well you know what my ‘side part’ can do, it can buy liquor'” is only making you look cranky, annoying and … offended at being called old.

And ACTUALLY, to be fair, there are some things that we as Millennials need to apologize for. In no particular order: hyping up avocado toast (it is not that good); platform flip-flops (WTF); using “doggo” (JUST SAY DOG); idolizing Justin Timberlake because we didn’t know what feminism was until Beyonce invented it; letting our parents on Facebook; the entire personality that is based on “Live, Laugh, Love”; the entire personality that is based on liking vampires; and tiny eyebrows. I am so, so sorry for tiny eyebrows.

But there are also things that I just cannot apologize for. Are they perfect? No. Are they extremely Holly-specific? Of course. Are they organized in a listicle??? You better believe it.

The era of television that is 2003 – 2010

I’m sorry, but if you’re looking for “Jersey Shore,” “American Idol,” “Survivor” “The Simple Life,” any CBS sitcom ever or even “The Sopranos,” then you are on the wrong blog. This is dedicated entirely to the Holly Trinity of “Alias,” “Lost” and though not an entire personality in itself—liking “The Office.”

I consider this era of television particularly influential because between the ages of 13 and 20 (but mostly 13 to 18) is when I did a lot of my creative writing. And I mean a lot. I mean, like, “there are two plastic tubs filled with folders of chapters and chapters and chapters of double-spaced YA novel drafts in my closet right now” a lot.

There is not enough space in this listicle to list the reasons I love each of those shows mostly equally.

“Lost,” for one, oh my god. This was before binging and before the era of “prestige” TV and holy shit why were the polar bears on a tropical island????????????? I’m re-rewatching it now with Ryan, and I am experiencing feelings. It mostly holds up, YES, even seasons 4 and beyond.** There is definitely the mid-00s vibe of Too Many Episodes but the structure of each character getting an episode of flashbacks or flash-forwards (spoiler) or whatever, like, broke my brain when I watched it the first time. This pre-dates “Game of Thrones,” (TV show) so I do not want to hear it. It was genius! Genius storytelling. I was like, every character has their place and their story but they all mean something and it turns out everything means something and I could watch this fucking show on a loop for the rest of my life. (Locke sucks.)

“The Office” oh, the beloved “Office.”*** The ground-breaking mockumentary comedy that tragically ended too soon after Steve Carell decided to leave the show. Wait, what? What do you mean they CONTINUED IT? THEY KEPT MAKING EPISODES AND RUINED IT? This is not in praise of that Office, this is in praise of seasons 1 until Jim and Pam’s wedding (spoiler) with a few exceptions made after that. You cannot tell me that “Dinner Party” is not top-notch television. If you only ever watch one episode of “The Office,” or television, it needs to be “Dinner Party.”

I could write a separate post about “The Office” (and a few about “Lost,” I am still thinking about it paragraphs later) but I think it just changed what comedy was for me? I know that’s lame but I stopped caring what comedians thought when I was in college watching their shitty stand-up. “The Office” didn’t come with a laugh track and it felt so awkward and real but not real and just made me think about dialogue and humor in a new way. Incredibly valid, though, that Pam emotionally cheated on Roy and Jim is a little bit emotionally manipulative to her and Karen Filippelli got a raw deal. (Also Pam sucks.)

“Alias” taught me a lot of spy buzzwords and beyond that, there is absolutely nothing I love more than a globe-trotting team-up adventure, which is why “Captain America: Civil War” is the best Avengers movie who wants to FIGHT. I will happily talk for hours and hours about lady spies, and Sydney Bristow is that OG bitch. I don’t even like “13 Going on 30” in the same way that a lot of other Millennials like it, for the plot (the plot: Mark Ruffalo) because Jennifer Garner is Sydney Bristow to me. I haven’t watched it in a long, long time so I won’t say it was the most feminist piece of television ever made, but how many other female-led action-dramedy-sci fi (ish) shows were there on primetime television in, like, 2004?! It is, again, a show where Too Much Happens and it kind of falls apart toward the end, but basically no one sucks on this show. Bradley Cooper sucks a little bit. P.S. Bradley Cooper is in “Alias”!

Instagram

Where would I put my pictures? FACEBOOK?!

High rise skinny jeans

It took me and my body dysmorphia issues TOO FUCKING LONG to get comfortable with high rise skinny jeans for Gen Z to tell me that they are no longer cool! Too long! I don’t care, they make my butt look good and I just cannot understand how straight leg pants being tight on your thighs but loose on your shins is supposed to be cute on anyone.

I can’t compromise on this one. You’re going to have to pry the Abercrombie & Fitch Ultra High Rise Skinny Jeans off my cold, dead body. Actually, fuck it, bury me in them.

When I was your age, we went to Warped Tour

I demand a Gen Z tell me right now why “Dear Maria, Count Me In” is on the TikTok Spotify playlist.

WHY IS IT THERE.

Look, the lip syncing to “Potential Breakup Song” and dance (?) moves (?) to whatever Doja Cat medley is all very nice, but you have not lived until you have lined your eyes in black eyeliner (or whatever can be seen of your eyes with those thick-ass side bangs), put on your Hot Topic band tee and tried not to get mud on your pink Vans while you spent, like, 14 hours trying to see 229 bands.

This might come as a shock to my fans, but I was not a mosh pit girl or a screamo girl or really into sweating and screaming for any reason, ever. But I DID do my best Scene kid for a few summers in a row and tended to thoroughly enjoy boys with swoopy hair and wristbands on their forearms who made eternal bops.

We will revisit my punk rock princess days another time but really guys why is there an All Time Low song on TikTok???????

Starbucks giving us caffeine addictions

I remember the exact moment I tasted my first Frappuccino. I was in seventh grade, at a friend’s birthday sleepover at Great Wolf Lodge (IYKYK). She suggested all eight of us 13-year olds or whatever go down to the in-lodge Starbucks and, looking back, I am so sorry to those baristas. I internally panicked, because I was a Starbucks virgin (my parents said it was expensive and also I was 13 and had no interest in caffeine at the time) but I played it Very Cool and copied the birthday girl’s order of a grande (big spender) vanilla bean Frappuccino.

YES I know that it doesn’t have any caffeine, but a caffeine addiction was born that day, because years later, you could catch me drinking COFFEE FRAPPS and then, finally, I grew the hell up and drank actual coffee. Winter months: a cafe au lait, or misto in Starbucks slang —why is it different?—with soy, or oat milk. Summer months, yes I am that bitch who switches: iced coffee, preferably not nitro-ed, just that goooood toddy shit, that 24-hour steeeeeped, that Japanese drip with soy or oat milk.

Keep your syrups, keep your whipped cream. (And, really guys, if you have ever worked at a coffeeshop or know a friend who has, you wouldn’t be touching that pumpkin spice gunk with a 10-foot pole.)

Mmmm, coffee. I won’t apologize for loving it or being snobby about it (I’ve worked as a Starbucks barista and yes I do have stories) or being unashamed to admit that I did tear up seeing the Starbucks Reserve in Seattle (there were cocktails).

Also, look … you can’t call out Millennials for making liking coffee their entire personality when you’re out here getting TikTok influencer-inspired Dunkin’ Donuts drinks, okay. (Dunkin’ Donuts sucks.)

Harry Potter & The Before All The Transphobia

Accio butter beer, because this one’s hard.

I think two things are possible at once: we can celebrate “Harry Potter” and everything it did for a Certain Generation of kids and teens (and no doubt many, many more) AND we can denounce its creator for her transphobic fuckery.

As a Millennial, I cannot deny that I was Harry Potter hive. I’m a Ravenclaw, but also possibly a Slytherin, so I went right to an accurate, indisputable source — by which I mean I just took a Buzzfeed quiz really quick and here is what it said:

You are a Ravenclaw through and through, but your ruthless ambition means you may also fit well in Slytherin. Knowledge is incredibly important to you, and you love nothing more than learning new things, but your love of learning is undeniably motivated by your determination for success. Unlike some of your fellow Ravenclaws, you often avoid any task that requires teamwork, preferring to work alone.

HAHAHA.

Anyway – Harry Potter was a huge part of my childhood and teen…hood? Daniel Radcliffe is a year and a half older than me, so the movie universe was incredibly in sync with my life, but there is nothing, nothing, nothing quite like racing your best friend and your boyfriend on who can read the Deathly Hallows first and one of them texting you at like 2 a.m. or something but you didn’t want to race read it anyway because you knew it was the last Harry Potter book you’d ever read.**** (All those extra stories and essays or whatever… those don’t count. They might count as canon, but they don’t count as the same feelings.)

I never did the midnight book release thing, I don’t own a fake wand, I’ve never been to the Harry Potter Land or whatever—what, did you think I was a NERD?

But, I do have lots of fond memories of that entire era of my life. I remember getting the first four books from my grandma, who died of dementia when I was in college. She knew I loved to read and when she gave them to me, I had honestly never heard of them (how did we ever hear about anything before Twitter?). I remember being in third grade and my teacher reading chapters of The Sorcerer’s Stone out loud to us. Half the class was so bored she stopped, and even I zoned out because, let’s be real, I was already on Prisoner of Azkaban at that point. I remember correcting a group of boys in my smart kid Language Arts class that the basilisk was NOT just a SNAKE. (And then immediately Apparating onto another plane of existence because I had Talked to Boys.) I remember reading the books to Emily, at night before we went to bed, and by the time we got to Goblet of Fire she told me she didn’t need me to anymore. I remember taking those brick-sized tomes to the YMCA pool, knowing all the cute lifeguards definitely knew I was a literary genius. I remember the hours and hours of my life spent theorizing with my friends about what would happen before Reddit was there to do it, dissecting the movies and talking about what scenes we hoped would be included instead of doing lame things like going to parties. I remember talking about the books with my English teachers, who loved them just as much, and feeling like it was Cool to have something in Common with an Adult.

I’ve never reread them. I’ve rewatched the movies, too many times, but I’ve not gotten back to the books. I’m a little worried, now, that they’ll be tainted by You Know Who’s true colors, and that’s a shame. I don’t think the Harry Potter series is the best thing ever written, and I have plenty of qualms (Ron and Hermione? Harry and Ginny? Really? The Sirius of it all?) but it’s something, like, otherworldly to have the brain space to create a literal entire other world. Like, a whole other world. I have plans to write a lot of fun shit, but I will never touch fantasy because that shit is WILD.

I also recently read that HBO Max is chomping at the damn bit like The Monster Book of Monsters to make it a TV series and, I’m sorry, but, I am only THIRTY YEARS OLD and unprepared to feel like I am now closer in age to Voldemort.

Participation trophies

This one is, what’s that word we like to use.. oh—TRIGGERING.

I’m ambitious. Always have been. I knew that getting As meant you were the smartest, so I got As. I knew that getting a college degree got you places and also as a Hermione Granger-adjacent type I just liked LEARNING, so I went to college. I strive to climb the corporate ladder. I want to get to the top, and I want to make a difference.

Call me a Millennial brainwashed by “participation trophies” or, IDK, just call me a naturally competitive person whose astrological sign and Enneagram type points to Boss Ass Bitch.

Like, what … what is the deal here? Are they mad because we all like compliments? Because you started telling us we were “gifted” in fourth grade so we got used to equating self worth with “good job, kids”? Because we are emotionally intelligent enough to understand that in many circumstances there is a winner and a loser but it’s okay to acknowledge that the loser made a good effort? What?

Is it because in 1942 or whenever the fuck, we sent 18-year olds to be murdered in war and now 18-year olds are going to therapy to become better, functioning and healthy adults?? Do these people know that there is still a military that 18-year olds are joining and that it’s, um, actually a good thing we’re not at WAR? What?!

I get that this is the result of a generation of deeply engrained gender norms. The manly men have never shed a tear in front of another person so they beat their wives and scream at their kids instead; womanly women are so used to being firmly planted in front of the kitchen sink that they can’t think for themselves—and now they’re jealous that vocalizing your mental health and getting support from strangers is a thing that people do on the reg while they also, you know, live successful and fulfilling lives.

Like, sorry you can’t open a PDF, but it surely isn’t because two teams of 9-year olds in gym class were told they did a good job while playing a game of soccer.

GODDAMN.

Pop songs with instructions

One time, we were at a winery and a mix of Millennials, Gen X and even Boomers mad dashed to the dance floor (yes, it was a winery with a dance floor) to do the “Cupid Shuffle” and my Elder Millennial husband was like, “HOW DO THEY KNOW THE MOVES” before the instructional chorus had kicked in.

He’s only a few years older than me, so I find it hard to believe that at no point in his existence did the “Cha Cha Slide” play in the background but after the “Cupid Shuffle” he watched this whole gang right foot, two stomps with an entirely blank look on his face?

Now, I am not a dance floor type. I did my time (4 homecomings, 4 “winter balls,” 2 proms) and now must be very drunk***** and probably at a wedding that is not my own to ever want to dance in public again. But “The Cha Cha Slide” ??? That is easy! No one can fuck up the Cha Cha Slide! It is essentially groupthink for dancing so even if you almost start sliding to the left when you should be sliding to the right, chances are you can quickly recover.

Not to dunk on TikTok dances again but, the closest thing this generation is going to get to bringing people together is the Megan Thee Stallion “WAP” verses smushed together and those moves are too complicated when you grew up only needing to cha cha real smooth now y’all.

The DCOM dynasty

I’m starting to regret this listicle because all of these items could probably be their own listicles (Millennial existential crisis), but I have to give a shout out to the actual superior source of television that many Millennials grew up watching—the Disney Channel Original Movie.

The “best” DCOM is a hotly debated topic among us scholarly types, but we must specifically call out a few absolute bangers from the formative Holly years of 1998-2006:

“Brink!” Holy shit. Did I ask my mom to buy me rollerblades after watching “Brink!”? You know I freaking did. I was a full 7 or 8 years old and absolutely living for the character and plot tropes in this movie: the good guy betrays his friends to skate with the bad guy; but the bad guy is really just a little insecure and secretly nice; skate battle!!!!; cool-ass girl character; happy ending! Also, I was already enough of a pop culture nerd that yes I did recognize the black Power Ranger was in this movie.

“Halloweentown” One of my fave plot tropes is “normal person has something extraordinary happen to them’ and that’s probably why I’ve always loved superhero movies, but teenage witches count, too. Ryan and I rewatched this classic this past Halloween season (>>> “Hocus Pocus”) and it mostly holds up from what I remember feeling in my heart when I was 8. Marnie is a brat for real, though. Speaking of brats, lol—

“Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century” Zetus lapetus, my personal forever favorite, I could go on for literal days about how much I love this movie. Watching it as an Adult, the dialogue is corny and she says catchphrases too much (we GET it, the slang is DIFFERENT in 2049), the plot is predictable and Greg is so vanilla, wowowow. But watching it as a preteen? Life changing. When you read my YA novels, you’ll know Zenon was the blueprint.

“Cadet Kelly” A prissy girl who hates to do things like gym class but make it military! CAN RELATE.

‘Smart House” + “The Thirteenth Year” + “Johnny Tsunami” All entertaining movies about boys that I, a girl who was always looking for content starring awkward, funny girls, enjoyed.

“Don’t Look Under the Bed” An underrated CLASSIC. Disney Channel actually stopped showing it in the rotation because it’s legit a little scary. But a girl who befriends a boogeyman??? I’m!

“Get a Clue” + “Hounded” Two must-sees starring not-yet problematic actors Lindsay Lohan and Shia LaBeouf, respectively. Also, “Hounded” is about a Pomeranian, my dream dog if I was a dog person.

“High School Musical” This is peak Millennial, because “High School Musical 3: Senior Year” came out the same year as my senior year IRL. I know various meme-able moments of the HSM cinematic universe have made their way to TikTok, but you do not truly know the power of one Sharpay Evans or getting your head in the game unless you lived through it the first time. Is HSM cornball nonsense aimed specifically at teens who had grown up watching the golden era of DCOMs and had gone to see “Wicked” on field trips? Yes. Is it also the only reason things like “Camp Rock” (just beyond my reach), that thing with Disney villain children and High School Musical The Show The Musical The Olivia Rodrigo or w/e exist?! That’s another yes.

WHAT TEAM? WILDCATS.

Tying my self worth to my job, lol

This is a trademark of the modern working Millennial.

We have successfully erased work/life balance from existence because we can’t take our PTO because we’re nervous our bosses will hate us. We give 200% every day only to get 2% merit raises, maybe. We please and please and please because when we were kids you told us that was how we got what we wanted. We cry and cry and cry because we are incapable of not checking our work email JUST ONCE during the weekends. We drink and drink and drink because we can’t quit these jobs we are so good at, anyway, because we have $1 billion dollars in student loan debt to pay back.

We’re the gifted kids all grown up selling our souls to sell, say, jeans, because you forgot to tell us that if you do what you love for your job, you will hate it. And if we’re not trying to make money off our talent in corporate America, we’re working snoozy 9-5s and a whole other job on the side! Because we refuse to ever take a damn break! We are the creators of the side-hustle, and the burnout, and we’ll be damned if we don’t run the gig economy into the ground just like what the generations before us did to the actual economy!

We run on coffee and cold hard ambition, but one day we will REVOLT and QUIT these jobs that suck and then who’s gonna keep the company Twitter lit fam, huh?! Unpaid interns?????******

Charcuterie boards

Millennials love charcuterie boards because we grew up eating Lunchables every day of our lives so keep your haterade to yourself—I can’t hear you over how much serotonin I am getting from a perfectly arranged brie and prosciutto situation that I WILL post on INSTAGRAM.

The side part

I just. I can’t. I can’t do a middle part. Please, I can’t. My hair is too big, too permanently layered because that’s the only cut I’ve had for ten years. Please. My Millennial power tool CHI and I have an understanding and a daily routine and I just grew out my side-swept bangs and my 20-year old sister taught me how to beach wave my hair less than two years ago.

So not to be a Millennial about it, but, like—can you not?

___

*On my first day of journalism school, in Journalism 101, we were told to “set up a Twitter.”

**Also, it is NOT that hard to follow along when you binge-watch it. I can’t believe I ever waited a full seven whole days (or MORE) in between episodes.

***And before you say “But what about ‘Parks & Rec'” let me tell you KEEP IT because “Parks & Rec” wouldn’t exist without “The Office” and Leslie Knope is not a feminist.

****I’ve actually avoided reading certain Michael Crichton and F. Scott Fitzgerald books, because they’ll be the last ever (because they are dead, but She Who Must Not Be Named is kinda dead too huh) and actually now that I am saying this, I’m realizing Desmond does the SAME THING with a Dickens novel (lol) when he goes to Scottish war jail in “Lost” !!!!

*****Drunk, drunk. Not “I love you so much” drunk. Not “remember this endearing anecdote that perfectly sums up our friendship I love you so much” drunk. Not fighting about the Andrew Garfield Spider-Man movies drunk. Drunk, drunk.

******I have lots of complicated thoughts about being a Millennial in corporate America, could you tell?